Wonky's Land of Nonsensical Musings

Month: April 2017

TWTW April 17th through the 23rd: No Clever Title

I was shocked to find that my almost ten year old suit still fit. Well mostly fit. I think my neck got fatter. The pants fit fine though the shirt and jacket seemed a little tight around the middle. They must have shrunk. Next came the tie. The first attempt to tie it failed rather miserably. The small end of the tie hung all the way to my belt. After the second attempt, I had everything about the right length. Unfortunately, the tag that you slide the thin end of the tie into had ripped off at one end. I did the only thing I could think of in the short time I had. I grabbed a piece of scotch tape and hoped it would hold.
Even though things should have seemed normal, Jobu sensed something different about this morning. He meowed softly at me a few times as if to check if I was ok. With a “bye bye Jobu, be a good Jobu,” I left and started the long morning drive.
It took me a little under 21/2 hours to complete the drive south. I knew where I was going. I had been there a few times before. The small country town doesn’t have much but it does have the local funeral home. I was there to bury my uncle.

It was a traditional funeral with an open casket and then we went out to the graveside. During the whole service, I looked at him lying there and kept thinking that he was going to sit up any moment and say he got us all and it was a joke. I was a pallbearer so after the service, I waited around to put the casket in the hearse. I watched as they slowly closed the lid and locked it. That’s when I realized he wasn’t going to sit up.

TWTW April 10th through the 16th: That Big Puffy Tailed Cat Isn’t a Cat

My Tires are all flat

Despite my car being oldish, it has a low tire pressure sensor. It had gone off. I didn’t have a tire pressure gauge so I just had to assume it knew what it was talking about. Near me used to be a really nice free air pump. It had a digital display. All you did was set what psi you wanted and it would inflate the tires to that. For some reason, they took it away. I refuse to pay for air. It’s air. A new gas station opened up down the way a bit and they have a free air station with a tire pressure gauge on it. I go there and check all the tires. They don’t seem a too low, but I put a little air in all of them. The light didn’t go out. Just to be sure I bought a cheap tire gauge at target and tried it out. All the tires were low, most by about 5 psi. The rear driver tire was 10 psi low. The gauge on the free air station was useless. I used my knew tire gauge to properly fill up my tires.

That Ain’t a Cat

I was out for a walk along the trail near my place when in the distance I saw a big puffy tailed orange cat run into the woods.  I meowed a few times to be friendly as I walked past.  On the way back I saw the big puffy tailed orange cat again. This time it was running along the houses. Look at that big puffy orange cat with it’s triangle head… uh.. that ain’t a cat. That’s a fox 

I Have Become Death, the Destroyer of Ants

About mid week I began to notice the occasional ant wandering around my place trying to scout out food. I kept an eye out over the next couple of days looking for how they were getting in and also checking on Jobu’s food to make sure they weren’t getting to it. He really doesn’t like that. Of course, on Saturday Jobu is no longer eating his food. I check it out and yep there are ants. Not a horde but maybe 6 or seven. So I clean everything up and wash the floor to get rid of the ant chem trail. I still can’t really find were they where coming in at.

Later that night I find a line of ants going into a cabinet. It’s a cabinet I keep some tupperware, and a bag of onions and potatoes in. I open it and there are a good number of ants chilling out in there. So  I clean everything out again. After checking the bag of onions and potatoes to make sure there aren’t any ants in them I put them in another cupboard across the way.

The next morning when I wake up and go in the kitchen. I first check Jobu’s food. No ants, yeah. I soon notice a huge line of ants going into the cupboard where I put the potatoes and onions. I open it and there are hundreds of ants all over the stuff.  I grab the can of raid and produce an noxious death cloud. Within seconds hundreds of ants have lost their pathetic little lives to my rage. Who knew ants liked potatoes and onions.

I think they are coming up from the apartment below. My neighbor moved out a couple of months ago so they don’t have any food to eat so they are expanding their search radius. Also she might have been fighting them back.

Cool note; writing this I wrote aint every time I meant to write ant.

Oh and Monday was my birthday.  I had cake. 

TWTW April 3rd through the 9th: What Rhymes With Desiccated Orange?

Sometime last weekend I began to notice a smell in my car every time I got in it. The smell was strongest near the rear driver’s side seat. It didn’t smell like gas. If it had smelled like gas I would have noped right on out of there. (Hip internet slang reference)

It smelled chemical and kind of sweet, sort of like an industrial cleaner that had some sent added.

That Monday after work I decided to try and find out where the smell was coming from. Under the driver’s seat, I found…

Pennies for scale

That had once been an orange. It had shrunk to about 1/4 it’s original size. If it is from when I think it is, it rolled under there sometime in early winter. Because of the temperature it never had a chance to fully root and so it sort of half rotted half dried out. I threw it away. The smell has not immediately gone away but does seem to be fading after about a week.

TWTW March 27th through April 2nd: All Jobu Stories All the Time

My boring life pretty much revolves around my cat. I am either petting the cat, feeding the cat, being annoyed with the cat, or the cat is being annoyed with me.

The King on His Throne

The High King gets Angry

Jobu believes he is the high king of the household and he’s mostly right. He allows me to sleep a few ways. I can sleep on my back so he can lay along my side. I can lay on my right side then he sits in front of me. What he doesn’t like is when I sleep on my left side facing the wall. This is only allowed if he is asleep in the other room and doesn’t notice. If he catches me sleeping on my left side I will get forcefully jabbed in my back with a paw. BAM BAM BAM. You’d be surprised how much power he can get behind that little paw. Early Monday morning I was lying on my right side with the covers pulled up covering most of my face. I finally had enough and yelled “what!” at him. He looked at me to make sure I was awake and then wandered off.

Why is it cold in here

Tuesday morning I woke up a few times and felt a cool breeze blowing over me. I thought maybe I had left some windows open or something, but I just pulled the covers tighter.  When I got up it seemed really chilly. I checked the thermometer on the wall and it was only 58.  It had gotten into the 40s outside overnight but why had it gotten so cold inside. That’s when I remembered that a few days earlier I had turned off the heat when it got up to 70.

Dat Pitiful Whine

Sunday morning I was lying in bed and Jobu was trying to wake me up making the most pitiful and annoying sound in his repertoire of pitiful and annoying sounds. This one is just a eeeeeeee over and over. I assumed he just wanted a treat. I ignored him for awhile but eventually, it just got to funny. I started laughing at him and his pitiful sound. He walked off in a huff. I let him wait a couple of minutes so he would not think I was rewarding his whining. When I did get up I noticed his dish was completely empty of food. “Daddy I am going to DIE!!!” was what his pitiful whine indicated. Now I am sure he had just finished the last bit of food and was good for not starving for days, but he is a cat.

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